Brief Escape

N275 Brief Escape BlogThis one is going to be a long post, folks. I hope you will bare with me.  I have a lot I need to get off my chest…

Sooooo…I have never liked being in the spotlight.  I have spent most of my life shying away from it.  I am sure part of that has been because of my gender dysphoria.  I also believe that part of it too is because the town where I grew up, our family was well known and I was sick and tired of being “seen and known.”  While being in a small high school and college was perfect for my academics, I wanted to live somewhere that I wasn’t known after college and so I moved to the city.  I have cherished my anonymity here and I think that with me transitioning, the city is the right place for me.

Taking away the part about growing up in the spotlight in a small town, most I know who go through transition…the last thing they want is to stand out.  I don’t want to stand out because of my transition.  The crazy damn thing is all myself and most of us transitioning want and pray for is to be acknowledged and accepted as our self identified gender. Many of us, including myself, hate the term “trans” but we end up having to use it for medical reasons or because we have to classify ourselves when, in my opinion, we shouldn’t have to.  Being classified as “trans” puts that dreaded spotlight on myself and others and it is just a god awful uncomfortable place.

That is one of the reasons so many of us transitioning remain silent about it.  That’s why we say nothing, unless we have to, and we just try to live our lives as best we can.  That is why, as people fight for civil rights and movements like BLM, #MeToo, supporting same sex marriage and other organizations take on those fights…those of us transitioning often remain silent.  We remain silent partly out of fear and partly because we don’t want to be known as the “trans” person.  Unfortunately, while remaining silent has helped with remaining safe from discrimination and violence, it has also hurt us in our push to be treated equally and with respect.

There are many reasons I had initially sworn to never discuss my transition in my blog.  I didn’t want that label hanging over my head.  I didn’t want to be the “trans” blogger.  I admit, I was fearful of being pushed out of the fashion blogging community for being different and not being a genetic woman.  And, as I shared with some of my best friends, as much as I feared losing blogging positions because I am transitioning, I also never wanted to get a blogging position simply because I am transitioning.  No matter what stores are on that “bucket list” we all have, I only want a position if I have earned it by busting my ass.  There are other reasons I was so hesitant to disclose…but these three reasons were at the root of keeping silent until four weeks ago.  And yes, I realize some of these fears may be completely irrational.  But when you face rejection for trying to be yourself, these are fears that develop natural…especially if you haven’t had the best background growing up.

When I disclosed, I never expected the outpouring of support I received.  As I think I wrote previously, I fought hard not to go hide in my hole and shut down.  And then, the BVN nominations came out for voting a week later and once again, an outpouring of support.  Again, I didn’t know how to take it all in.  I didn’t know how to process it all.  I didn’t know how to act.  And so while I was thanking everyone for their support, I was also fighting a battle in myself to not go hide somewhere, be by myself and put away everything I use to blog.  As I said before…I don’t like being in the spotlight.  I was never taught how to handle it well.

Last night, at the BVN awards, I struggled a great deal.  To tell the truth, I almost didn’t go.  While yes, a part of me hoped to win Best New Blogger, I also didn’t want to win.  I was finally getting settled emotionally after the previous 4 weeks and would have been perfectly happy to walk out of there without a Bloggie and get back to work on my blog and sharing craziness and laughs with all of you.  I know of at least three other bloggers I had this discussion with…about whether or not we wanted to win or if we just wanted to get back to work.  I don’t know if others feel that same way or not, but that was where I was.

Before we even got to Best New Blogger, I received another award…one I never, in a million years, thought would happen and, honestly, didn’t even know existed.  I think two friends I was in IM’s with thought I had passed out when it was announced because I wasn’t even responding to them.  I couldn’t respond.  I was in total shock and had tears streaming down my face so badly I couldn’t even read the screen.  I didn’t know how to handle being given that award, the words that were spoken as it was given or the level of support that so many of you showed…yet again.

Maybe, one day, I’ll go into a little more depth as to some of the other reasons I struggle with these things.  I’m not quite sure I’m ready to go there just yet…but maybe one day.

I never wanted or planned to be an advocate for the transgender community but yet it seems that is where I have found myself.  I find myself, especially after last night, struggling between being honored to be in a position to do such a thing and wanting to scream that I won’t take on that role and go hide somewhere for a while until everything settles down and people forget about my blog.  There is a part of me that wonders if I was granted the opportunity to turn back time and not disclose, would I choose not to?  I don’t know right now but those thoughts do go though my head.

While I had originally planned to try and take as many blog photos today as I could to get ahead on my assignments for the week, I actually found myself unable to focus on my sponsors today.  I looked at my spreadsheet showing what I need to do, I filed through my folders to see what items I had received and I struggled.  My brain literally couldn’t put a creative thought together.  Finally, I decided to just throw on something that I would wear around my house and wander the grid.  It was my way of going into a bubble without totally going into a bubble, if that makes sense..  As I wandered aimlessly, I found a spot on a friend’s land, just stayed there for a while listening to music alone and then snapped this picture.

If you think I look like I am exhausted or struggling in the picture, then I captured how I have been feeling since last night.

Over the next few days, maybe a week or so, I may be quieter than normal…a little less social than I typically am.  I hope none of you will think of me as rude or ungrateful.  I promise you it is not personal.  I am fighting right now not to go hide out of fear or some other emotion brought on by the fears of transitioning and/or things from my past.  Situations like this have, for most of my life, triggered a major flight response in me.  Its something I have been working to improve upon for many years and I am much, so much better, than I used to be…hence why I am writing this now.  I will say too that all the stress I have been under at my real life job has not helped with this flight response.

I know it may seem weird to say all of this here, but I truly do appreciate all of you and I do not want any of you to think I am ignoring you or anything negative if I’m a bit quiet.  I just…I just need to sort through everything in my head.  I need to absorb, process and figure out how to move forward in this advocate role I seem to have found myself in.  I don’t think I have much of a choice over accepting or declining that role right now.

And also, if I seem awkward in thanking any of you, please know I am so grateful for each of you that I continue to cry about this.  For as well as I can write anything in this blog, I struggle to find the right words to say thank you in those moments I feel overwhelmed.  I think anyone who struggles with anxiety will understand where I am coming from.

Know that I am so thankful for all of you.  I’m thankful for all of you who have embraced me, both in and out of the blogging community.  I am grateful for every comment, like, fave, share and click on one of my posts.  I am grateful to every blogger who has inspired me, coached me, taught me a new trick and congratulated me when I nailed a picture…as well as critiqued me honestly when I dropped the ball and failed to meet expectations.  I am grateful to every creator, blogger manager and event manager who has put their faith in me.

I am honored in more ways than I know how to say to have my name included with these other amazing and established bloggers who’s names were and were not on that ballots for last night’s awards.  I am grateful and honored to be part of a community in SL that encourages one another, celebrates in each other’s success and not only shares these amazing creations but also take the time to confront, either through their work or privately, issues impacting our world today.

I am incredibly grateful and honored that so many of you respect my work in such a way that you voted for me as Best New Blogger.

I am beyond honored to be recognized by BVN with the Founders Award because of my willingness to share my story.  Know that as scary as it is do this at times, I will do my very best to uphold the values you felt made me deserving of this award.

I hope you all will allow me a little time to breath, process everything and get my feet back under me from all that has happened.  All of you are too amazing to leave and I want to make sure I do what I need to do so that I stay right here…with each and everyone of you. ❤

See it on Flickr

What I’m Wearing
Blueberry – Poppy Jacket and Leggings
Cae – Trinket Necklace Long
Tetra – Air Sneakers
Truth – Daphne

Image Essentials – Custom Pose Pack Tiffany (Not for Sale)

Private Residence

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Starr says:

    Enjoy as I said before you deserve the awards ~ hugzz

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Star. *hugs* That means a lot. ❤️


  2. You take the time you need. Anyone who has a problem with that, well… it’s their problem, not yours. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Lucie. *hugs* I’ll be good and back to goody flaky me soon. 💕

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Katie McKenzie says:

    Tiff, I cannot tell you how happy and proud I am for you. I said it last night and I’ll repeat: you deserve this! As for not seeking to be an advocate, I invite you to look at other famous advocates in the past on any issue. Most of them never set out to become a “voice”, either. Most of them were like you, just expressing themselves and trying to figure things out as best they could. The key difference between unexpected success and making a change lies in how you embrace it. That part is up to you, and right now I don’t believe there is a wrong choice for you. It’s your sky. Your limit. Your life. The rest of us are just observers behind the glass of the internet.

    When you’ve listened to your own heart in the past, you’ve never gone wrong. Am I right? I think I know enough of your heart to say that if you take a deep breath, embrace what’s happened and *just keep being Tiffany* you’ll be just fine. More than fine, you’ll be the star we all know you are. We got your back, honey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kate…you know I adore you to pieces. *hugs* At some point we will have to talk privately about my thoughts on this…being an advocate or not being an advocate. Its a little too complex to type out here, but I think you will understand more when we get too talk. Fortunately, I have friends like you who have supported me to this point and who accept me as me…and that is a priceless gift. I know that no matter what I do, you will still be there supporting and that helps more than you can imagine. Thank you…for everything. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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