I always find it interesting that people want to know how I arrived at my “decision” to transition. They always ask it like it was some choice I made…something impulsive that I just pulled out of a hat one day without much thought. I understand it can be difficult for people to understand that this is a necessity for me and not a choice. I’m not oblivious to that fact. The real question though is, how do you describe to someone the need to make a radical change in your physical appearance?
I don’t think there is any easy way.
I’ve tried comparing it to everything from our biological necessities of eating and sleeping to our necessities for needing basic things in life like needing a roof over our head. Some people will understand my need to do this when I explain it this way. Some don’t. But then again, like so many things in life, most who have made up their minds on an issue are unwilling to listen to any other opinions that may contradict their own.
I’ll be honest though, I wouldn’t wish the path I have had to walk to reach this point on anyone. I can’t speak for anyone but myself here…but it was a dark road for me to finally reach the point where I accepted who I was and began the process of transitioning. It was a path marked with periods of depression, anxiety, social isolation and suicidal ideation. There was an inpatient psych admission for suicidal ideation and multiple other times I was suicidal. Everyone, including myself, just attributed it to a bad background growing up and/or never learning proper coping skills.
I tired to convince myself that was the case. I never believed it though…no matter how often I told myself that.
I am not going to say I regret the path I walked to reach this point in my life. It took all of those hurdles, falls and struggles to give me the strength to embark on this journey. I learned so much about myself during those times, especially during my darkest days of depression, that lead to me saying, “THIS is who I am! Now…what do I need to do to transition?” I wouldn’t be where I am in my transition if it wasn’t for all of those moments.
Some will say to me, “I wish I could know what its been like in your mind all these years.” I just shake my head, smile and say softly, “No, you don’t.”
As much as I don’t regret my hurdles…as much as I no longer regret being forced to walk the path I have walked…I wouldn’t wish the mental struggles I have experienced on anyone.
No, I can promise you…you don’t want to know.
See it on Flickr!
Foxcity – Fixated – 3m
BH9 – La Fete V2