Do you ever feel like the world is watching you? Like they are staring at you as you go about and try to do your day to day activities? I know some of you do. For some, it is anxiety driven. For some it is due to physical disabilities or abnormalities. Maybe its some other reason.
I have been feeling this more and more lately. I’ve written about it some previously, but I don’t think I have ever focused a post purely on this feeling. Maybe I have. Despite it being a short week at work, it was pretty busy and my brain is fried so I can’t remember.
I am sure some of what I am feeling, that feeling of being stared at, is in my own head and driving by the anxiety that transitioning and my recent depression bring on. I also believe that some of it is factual. I mean, I am changing. Its a fact. My hair continues to grow (its almost shoulder length now). It is becoming harder to cover my breasts without wearing a loose jacket all day. I can notice a few more changes in my face as well.
Not that any of this journey is easy, but I feel like this time period, up until I actually start presenting and make it through a few weeks when I start presenting, is going to be one of the most difficult times for me. I understand now why the international care standards for those transitioning requires counseling. I don’t care how emotionally healthy you are…this is just hard.
I have started to notice differences in how people look at me at work as well. My company’s police says that I am protected…but that doesn’t stop people from doing double takes when they see me. That doesn’t stop the whispers I occasionally hear when walking out of a meeting. My company employees almost 20,000 people total and in my job, I work with almost every single department in the organization. That’s a lot of meetings and interactions in a week. Additionally, I have worked with some of these people for over 20 years now.
I think what made me more aware of the whispers starting was last week at work. It was a slow day for all of the team. I walked into my office and closed my door to make some phones calls. I think people forget how thin the walls are because as soon as I closed my door, I heard two of my team members start talking about what was going on with me and who noticed what changes I have had.
I know I have to go through it. I know it is part of the process. That, unfortunately, doesn’t make it an easier to deal with in the moment when you feel like the spotlight is shining upon you.
All I can do though is take a deep breath and keep pushing through. That’s what I’m going to do. Breathe and push through….
See it on Flickr…
Avery Vase With Lililies
Diedra Amsonia bouquet in a vase
monochrome table darkbrown
Photo Booth – The Lux
[ keke ]
snowberries in vase . white
Trancoso Table Mini Menu
Tuscany Wall Table