Human touch. I know I love it…that intimate contact between two people? And guys, no…I am not talking about sex. *rolls her eyes*
Now, I haven’t dated anyone in a few years. Part of this has been by choice. In all my intimate relationships following my divorce, I was always questioning if I had to do this…transition. I would often mask the internal pain I was going through by putting all of my focus on my partners. I hope, and like to think, that I am a very giving person in a relationship regardless but when I was dating someone, I gave more than was healthy to them and the relationship. Looking back, I realize that was because the more energy and focus I put on them and, for lack of better words, martyred myself for my partner, the less time and energy I had to question who I was.
There was only one problem with that though. The thoughts, questions and pain always came back.
So because of the thoughts coming back so strong, I ended my last relationship and pledged no dating for me for a while. It actually worked out well as I was approaching practicum and internship for school. When working and going to school at the same time, there is very little time for a relationship. Add internship…you can forget ever seeing a partner unless you are living together. So yeah, the timing all worked out perfectly, if that’s possible.
Looking back, like I said, its been a long, long time since I have had a relationship. I had one brief relationship in SL almost two years ago, my one and only relationship in SL. He and I never met and, at that time, if he had asked to meet I would have told him no. I wasn’t ready for that with where I was physically at that time.
So its been a long time since I have had that intimate touch. I mean, I know we all joke and talk about sex but that’s not even what I think about. I think about being held, holding hands, snuggling, hugs and soft, playful kisses. I never got to be “the little spoon” in the past so to feel that, especially with the changes that have happened with my mind and body, would be friggin’ amazing. Its those little things that I miss.
Now don’t get me wrong…I am not trying to complain about anything. Sure, there are times I get lonely for that special someone. However, the majority of the time I am good with it just being me and my pup at home. This journey is not only difficult for me at times, but it can be incredibly difficult for someone choosing to be in a relationship with those of us transitioning. I think a lot of people focus on the physical changes, but the emotional changes can be really challenging for me at times. Can you imagine me putting someone else through me being a moody, hormonal mess? I wouldn’t wish that on anyone right now. lol
I do look forward to the day though when I feel comfortable enough to let someone touch me that way. Considering women’s skin is much softer and much more sensitive to physical contact, I can only imagine what that will feel like.
I really do look forward to the day I can be the little spoon with someone.
See it on Flickr.
Cosmos Flowers – Red
pilea peper plant
Nicholas Sleigh Bed