Its been a long time since I have done this portrait style photo for a skin/hair post. I was trying to blend in more fashion, possibly decor, into those posts to stretch myself and see what I was capable of. I couldn’t do that for this post though. Not because I wasn’t up for stretching myself but because this picture is a pretty accurate representation of where I have been emotionally the past few days.
Lord, I feel like all I have been doing is complaining lately and I seriously hate feeling that way. I’ll be honest with you all…I’m tired. Very, very tired. Its currently January 23rd, and I haven’t had a day off of work since January 1st. Between my team being incredibly understaffed right now and some winter weather we had a couple of weeks ago…you get the idea. Throw in the fact when I am on call, I am getting paged more nights than not and when I am not on call, I have still been called and had to address larger scale problems that needed our whole management team…I have had a lot of sleepless nights because of these pages too.
Throw in the pressures and lack or support I am feeling at work right now, and I am feeling physically and emotionally drained every day.
The hard part about being this tired is it makes it difficult to view the world and circumstances objectively. It leaves you questioning everything and struggling to find solutions. It makes it more difficult to make the right choices and to follow through on those decisions.
I know one of my faults in life is that I have difficulty reaching out to ask for support when I am in a place like this. Why is that? I can’t put a finger on it but I suspect it is a multitude of factors. I am sure part of the cause is that when I was growing up, my feelings were often dismissed and I was told the needs of others were more important than my needs. Actually, thinking about it now, I am sure that is the biggest driving factor. I am sure that is why I try to always be there for others but often will go on telling people I am fine while I am struggling to function inside.
I know that is one of my weaknesses in life…reaching out to others for support. I know it is something only I can fix. For all of the improvements I have made in life, this is one area where I continue to struggle.
With the changes in the way I process the world and my emotions due to the HRT, I really do need to make this a priority. I was telling a friend earlier this evening that before HRT, everything in my life was address/fix the problems and then worry about my emotional processing after the fact, if I did any at all. That was how I functioned best. That was how things got done then. Now, with my hormones where they should be, I have to process the emotional aspect of a situation before I can clearly see the best course of action, at least with more personal matters.
I knew my thought processes and ways of processing had changed. I even wrote about it about a week and a half ago. I didn’t realize how much until I was talking with a woman I know today about some of what is leaving me feeling overwhelmed. All this woman did was talk solutions, solutions, do this, do that. Every time I tried to talk about my feelings on the situations, she always went back to “this will fix this.” After I was done with the conversation, I got in my car and screamed, “Good lord!!! I just had an hour plus conversation with a dude!!! She is acting just like a damn guy!!!”
Anywho, I have gone off on a tangent again. I do that more when I am tired than any other time.
With that, I am going to go and try to get some sleep before I collapse. If you could, cross your fingers, say a prayer or do whatever you do for good juju that I will get some sleep tonight. I haven’t been this exhausted in a long, long time.
For those of you who have been kind enough to check on me, listen to me and support me…thank you. Reaching out is difficult for me to do so those of you have listened…thank you. It really does mean the world to me right now.
See it on Flickr.
Accessories: Cae – Faithful Collar [@ Fameshed X]
Body – Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara
Eyes – The Face – Sparkle Eyes Pallet[@ eBento Event]
Hair – RunAway Hair – Jas
Head & Ears – Catwa Catya
Shape – Custom – Not for sale.
Skin – Head: The Face – Natacha Skin, SPF 30 [@ Dubai]; Body: Fiore (SPF 30)
Pose – Amitie – The Secretary 6 [@ A+ Event]