Ok…so I have voiced a lot of frustration about work over the past few weeks. But you know, I have to step up and own something. I have to say that in the past few weeks, I have screwed up and dropped the ball. I didn’t realize how much until this weekend where several of these instances were reported. I own it. No matter what’s going on, I still have to do my job, right? Right.
The part that worries me so much when I make mistakes at work now or if I have some sort of health/medical concern going on, typically the first question I get is, “Is it because of the hormones?”
I don’t say excuse me in a critical voice but more truly questioning the logic behind that question. I mean, don’t get me wrong…how I respond to the world has changed and my thought processes are different. Despite all of that, that doesn’t impact motivation, memory and skill set. Those things are all the same. Hormones won’t change that. My perception of the world has changed with all of this though and while I do believe some of that is due to the hormones, a big part of it is also the fact that I am much more attune to the treatment of women and minorities in the workplace. Some of you men still have some work to do on that, but I digress.
Why can’t the question simply be, “What do you think is causing this?”
I mean, there are several health issues I deal with on a regular basis. I have an auto-immune disorder which is typically very well managed but has been flaring up for a couple of months now. I won’t go into the details of the disorder, but it often leaves me feeling exhausted and dehydrated. What about my depression? While I don’t broadcast my mental illness to most of the people at work, my leadership is aware of it. And what about my ADHD? I have had that my whole life and due to some recent sleep difficulties, I have been forced to switch from a stimulant based medication to a non-stimulant based medication which doesn’t work anywhere near as well.
Speaking of my sleep difficulties, why aren’t we questioning those? And the sleep difficulties are work related ironically. I don’t know who among you has ever had to work in an on call role, especially one where you are on call frequently. With the number of nights I have been woken up by pages and phone calls, I literally have begun having dreams of being paged that are so vivid that I will wake up with my phone in my hand checking to see what has happened. I also have similar dreams about my alarm going off. In those cases, I have actually turned my alarm clock off in the middle of the night thinking it was time to wake up.
And this, this may sound crazy to some but its a fact. I have always functioned better and been more organized when I am busy with challenging projects. Much of what keeps my work so crazy isn’t challenging to me…its incredibly mundane stuff. The more challenged I am, the better I perform. The more I HAVE to plan to complete everything, the more I complete. I hope that makes sense.
So that brings me back to my original question: Why do so many people make a first assumption that my transition/HRT is the cause of my mistakes? I just can’t grasp why that would be the first question people ask.
Despite the cause though, I have made some mistakes recently and my leadership has noticed. I had a meeting today with one member of my leadership team to discuss this. I’ll have another one at some point in the next week or two with another member of my leadership team. I am working to put a plan together for what I have done to correct the mistakes of the past few weeks, as well as a plan that will allow me to practice better self-care. I hate it when people walk into my office and “dump and run.” I refuse to do that myself.
Additionally, I have already owned and will continue to own my mistakes regardless of the cause. I think there is a difference in discussing mitigating factors and trying to excuse yourself from responsibility. Regardless of what happened, the mistakes were mine and mine alone.
Thankfully, it turns out the meetings are all informal, so no disciplinary action. Hopefully this will not negatively impact me too much moving forward. Like everyone else, I need my job and income. So that means Tiff has to put on her big girl panties and do what she has to do.
See it on Flickr.
Foxcity – The Journey 7
fiddle leaf tree
Fixated-5 Cigarette Prop
Ground Sits VOL1-7 Coffee Tumbler Prop
City Life Prop – Phone (L Hand)