Pause The Roller Coaster

N401 Untitled Blog

Can I press the emergency stop on my emotions for a day or two? Please?

This week has really been an emotional roller coaster for me. Lots of highs…and lots of lows. There has been pain, loss, acceptance, love, grief, sorrow, fear, shock, anger and anything else you can think of. It has been one of the most emotionally all over the map weeks I’ve had since we finally got me estrogen levels where they need to be…so needless to say I feel like the poster girl for mood swings.

So where do I start? Well…I guess I will focus on three big events that have occurred this week…on Wednesday, Thursday and today.

On Wednesday, I encountered my first real threat of violence since beginning my journey.  I have always been nervous since I started this process, but until Wednesday, I had never actually been threatened.  I was on my way home from an appointment when I had to stop and fill my car up.  The area I was in is considered safe.  A lot of blue collar workers there but very low crime and the residents have worked hard to turn that area of the city around, which I truly admire.

While I was going through this process, I was approached by two young men…both taller than me (I’m 6 feet tall, mind you) and they got so close to me that they essentially had me pressed back against my car.  Now, two or three years ago, I may have felt threatened, but not fearful.  Wednesday, it was fear.  I know my muscle mass is disappearing with HRT.  I know I am not able to defend myself like I used to.  I mean, I used to go into the worst of situations as an EMS provider…crime scenes, structure fires, drug dens.  But in those situations I always had a partner, team and/or police back up with me.  This time…I was alone…and very much afraid.

Fortunately, the attendant in the convenience store came out and as he did, the two guys backed off and left.  But this didn’t happen until I had already been verbally threatened, with my appearance being specifically cited in their attacks.  It took me a few minutes to get myself together enough to head home.  The whole drive though….my hands were shaking.

Then yesterday…oh lord did I cry yesterday.  Eclipse released their February edition and it included an article on being transgender in Second Life.  It was an incredibly emotional experience for me to read the article.  It was so well done and covered such a wide range of issues for those of us transitioning that I was just amazed and overwhelmed.

My friend Sassy hit the nail on the head in something she posted relating to the article.  I don’t like the spotlight.  I know that sounds crazy considering I blog, but most of the bloggers I know are not big fans of the spotlight.  We just love the artistic expression it gives us. So being a part of this experience was difficult.  I mean, was I honored to be interviewed?  Of course.  I want to help make sure accurate information is given and help people see that those of us transitioning are only different physically, not emotionally.

That leads to the question many ask then, “Why would it be so hard?”

I actually had Trouble ask me a similar question in the lead up to the article.  He was curious why I was so nervous about the whole thing?  Disclosure.  It was another disclosure.  Each time we, those of us transitioning, disclose, it takes a great deal of emotional energy because each time we disclose, we have to be prepared for rejection.  First, we wish we didn’t have to disclose to begin with.  We wish the world could just shift and we had been born in the bodies we belong in.  In more one on one situations, especially when looking at possible intimate relationships, we risk being verbally attacked and insulted…possibly even being physically assaulted.  We risk that person going and outing us to someone else.  When we disclose to someone, especially in a large setting such as that article, or when I first disclosed here several months back, we are risking more than most people realize in an effort to be authentic with those around us.  It is completely and utterly exhausting.

Thankfully, I was showered with love.  I had friends supporting me though out the entire process.  Trouble and the team at Eclipse were amazing.  One of the things I had said in my interview for the article was that some of my fondest memories in SL were when I disclosed on Facebook back in 2017 and then again when I disclosed in my blog because of the love and support I received from all of you.  Its that kind of love and support that helps anyone who is struggling in any situation get through the difficult times.  Its overwhelming, but in a positive way, and I am incredibly grateful for all of you who have supported me and continue to support me on my journey.

Lastly, today I just hit another emotional “let’s see how messed up we can make you feel emotionally” moment.

Today, on my way to work, I walked past my step-uncle.  He is a legislator here where I live and I walked past him as I was walking by the state capital.  We each said hello to each other.  You could tell by the look on his face that he had no clue who I was.

I was incredibly happy after the encounter because he didn’t recognize me.  That’s good in a lot of ways because it means the changes are really starting to impact my appearance.  It means more has happened than I realize.  It means things are happening with my body that I want to happen.

But it also angered me because I know where he, as a legislator and person, stands regarding individuals like myself.  He wants to restrict what bathrooms I can use.  He wants to try to prevent me from changing my name and my birth marker.  He wants to take away my civil rights.  He believes that I am less and should be treated as such.

So, like I said, its been a roller coaster of a few days.  And sadly, there’s been even more that’s happened.  These are just the highlights.  Its a lot to take in and absorb.  I will say too, I have been in my office most of the day with the door closed because I alternate from being a raging bitch to wanting to cry for twenty minutes at a time.

I still have a while until I can leave work, but hopefully I will get out of here when scheduled and can just relax on my sofa tonight.  I’m just ready for this week to be done.

See it on Flickr.

What I’m Wearing
Truth – Kaijah [VIP Gift, 2/19]
Vinyl – Locked Out Tee & Heaven Boyshorts

Foxcity – Kitty 2m (Left arm adjustment with Animare)

Metal Ring Candle Pink [on/off]

Dead Dollz
Bridal Party – Console (Gacha Item)

dust bunny
potted bromeliad
potted palm

day, night and eye cream
hand lotion laying
hand lotion standing
powder box

Fresh Armchair (White)

THOT Mess Scattered Makeup

{what next}
Isabelle Nail Polish Decor

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