I can’t remember if I have discussed this before and, if I have, how much I have talked about it. I am going to apologize if this is kind of a repeat topic but its a topic a lot of people seem to have trouble understanding with me. The only person I have talked to who really “gets” this is a friend of mine who has transition from female to male.
My mind can be a real whirlwind a lot of days. As I have, with the help of my meds, taken away the testosterone and added the estrogen…the entire way I think, feel and process everything is incredibly different. Its hard to manage some days and can lead to me over reacting to things or even misinterpreting people or events at times.
So, to all the women reading this, I want you to think back to when you were going through puberty. You were flooded with emotions and questions you had never experienced before. I am not talking about just trying to understand what was happening with your body development, but also the way you responded to everything, felt everything and how your interpretation of the world changed.
Was it overwhelming to you? My girlfriends who I talk to who say they can remember those years tell me it was extremely overwhelming for them at times. While little girls think differently than little boys, once estrogen levels begin to increase, emotional processing changes as well.
Now…imagine being in your 40’s, working full time, caring for a home and paying your bills while all of that was going on. Also…imagine having been this very analytical, solution focused and action oriented person (due to the testosterone) and having this complete shift in what it going on in your head and heart.
THAT is what it is like in my head right now.
I don’t know if that paints a clearer picture of what’s going on inside this growth on my shoulders science calls a head. My friend who transitioned to male understood it because as he transitioned, he experienced all sorts of anger, aggression and straight up teenage boy sexual desire. He shared with me how it took him a lot of time to be able to adjust to it all.
I know its going to take time for me to adjust as well.
I prefer the way my mind works now to how it worked before. Despite all of the chaos going on in my head and heart and the fact I am actually experiencing emotions I cannot even identify, much less put a name to, this way of thinking is 100 times more natural to me than how I was thinking for all of those years prior. Despite all of the confusion I feel at times, there is this strange sense of internal peace with it as well. Am I making an sense? I hope so. Otherwise, I really am going crazy!
Why did I choose to write about this? I am not saying anyone has done this recently, but often times people will discount the emotional struggles someone like myself is going through. I know I have written before about people, especially in my real life, telling me to get over things, deal with it, it will all be better soon, etc. They seem to forget what they went through as teens and all the years they have had to get used to the way their minds work.
I want to say I am putting this out there not to complain about anything or anyone. Nor am I putting out there to excuse me for my own behaviors or reactions. I just think its important for people to understand that when someone like myself gets moody, its a grown adult who is used to interacting with the world in one way suddenly going through puberty (which really is what’s happening to me) and having to interact with the world in a COMPLETELY different manner.
I don’t know. This is a topic that has come up with several of my friends lately and I just thought it might be useful to hear. Might also explain why I have been crying so damn much lately. What do you think? Am I completely out in left field? I admit…its a distinct possibility!
And here I thought I was just being moody all around! LOL
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Foxcity – High Flyer 5