Today I scored a victory on my journey. It was a small one…but a very important one for me.
Getting my labs drawn scares me…and has for quite some time. I can’t recall if I have shared what a struggle it has been getting my hormones where they need to be, but its been tough. I started my HRT just over two years ago. In that time and prior to today, I had only had my estrogen levels where they were supposed to be three times. My testosterone has only been where it was supposed to be once.
It has been incredibly hard at times. Some of my friends listened to me cry every few weeks as my doctor and I tried upping my oral estrogen doses…and then as I struggled with the estrogen patches…all with no success Even when I first moved to injections, my labs were still way off. It was scary, frustrating and, to be honest, depressing. To finally be on this journey to be ME and have my body not absorb the medicines I needed to feel congruent in my own body was a new type of heartbreak that I find difficult to put into words.
It was so bad at a couple of points that I almost gave up on transitioning…not because I wanted to quit but because I couldn’t handle the constant disappointment of my labs always being totally out of whack and no changes happening. And for the record, when transitioning is the only way to end your depression and your body is fighting the hormones you so desperately need to feel right in your own body…it can be so incredibly devastating that you don’t want to get out of bed each day and you end up dreading every time you have to get your labs drawn.
So the last time I had my labs drawn, back in December, was only the third time my estrogen had been where it was supposed to be. Pretty much right in what my doctor called “the sweet spot” for the the range me estrogen should be within the first six months of transitioning. As it turned out, it was also the first time my testosterone was exactly where it needed to be. I cried so much after those labs. I literally couldn’t believe that the hormones were actually working then! And to be completely honest, as happy as I was that my labs were where they should be, I also fully expected my levels to be off the next time I had them drawn.
That next draw was today. I will flat out admit it…I DID NOT want to go get my labs drawn. I didn’t tell anyone this, but I fully expected my numbers to all be off. I rarely have those sort of all consuming negative thoughts. Despite that fact, when I walked into the lab, I just knew my estrogen was going to be down, my testosterone was going to be up and I was going to fall back into that place of despair.
But I went. I went and got my labs drawn. After I was done, I went back to work and tried to put the fear out of my mind. Thankfully, we have a big project going on at work right now and that served as a great distraction.
As I was leaving work today, I found the nerve to go into my patient portal and check my estrogen levels. Testosterone takes longer to process, so I am not expecting those results until next Monday. As I logged into the portal, I literally closed my eyes as I clicked the tab for my lab results. I was afraid to see the results. After a good 30 seconds or more, I finally started to open one eye.
I literally let out a gasp and muffled “OH MY GOD” as I read the results. My estrogen was EXACTLY at the midpoint range of where my doctor wants me to be. Not only was my estrogen where it should be…but it had happened two lab draws in a row!!! I had to close my office door and, you guessed it, cry. It took me a good 20 minutes before I could compose myself enough to leave work and drive home.
Some of you may think I am overreacting about my lab results, especially these positive results. But this is a huge step for me, especially after all of the time spent just trying to get my body to absorb the estrogen at all. Its truly been difficult at times and has worn on me. So after today, I feel pretty confident that my testosterone will come back where it should be.
I also feel like as much as I have talked about beginning my real life experience…I feel like now I can actually start planning it without fears of it being delayed anymore.
Small victories. I’ll take them. ♥
See it on Flickr.
What I’m Wearing
Accessories – Cae – Selene Earrings & Ring [@ FaMESHed]
Body – Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara
Eyes – The Face – Power Eyes Pallet
Hair – Stealthic – Haven
Head & Ears – Catwa Catya
Make Up – The Face – Sauce Make Up Pallet [@ eBento]
Nails – The Face – Juice Bento Nails Pallet
Shape – Custom – Not for sale.
Skin – Not Found – Piper Skin Bronze
Foxcity – Me Time – 2m