I Wish I May, I Wish I Might

N478 Wish I May, Wish I Might Blog
“Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have this wish I wish tonight.”
– by Anonymous

I am still struggling at times to accept the reality of my recent trip to Baltimore and spending 8 days, between the jam and my time at home, only showing the world the real me.  My struggle with it isn’t the fact that it happened…but it is.  I don’t know if that makes much sense.  Maybe I can explain it.

As a young child, I used to recite Star Light, Star Bright to myself all the time as I looked up at the sky.  My wish was always to be able to be the real me…the girl who could play with dolls, play house, wear dresses and make up and be seen as the pretty girl instead of being ridiculed or fearing for my safety if I let that side of me show.

As a child, before my brother, sister and I moved to live in different homes following Daddy’s death, I would often sneak into my sister’s room to play with her Barbies.  When I was a teenager and Mom and my step-father were at work, I was going through Mom’s closet, trying on her dresses and heels.  I cried the day my feet got to be too big to wear Mom’s shoes anymore.

Every time I had a chance to allow the girl in me out, I took it.  Yet, as I grew older, those opportunities became fewer and farther between…especially as I went off to boarding school and college.  The opportunities weren’t there and, as I got older, I heard more ridicule about people like myself.  So I kept the front up.  I played sports.  Tried football.  Tried to act manly.  Tried to be the “stud” men were expected to be in college.  None of it worked and as my friendships developed, while I made the most amazing friends through my years as a volunteer firefighter and EMS provider, I was always closer with the women I did these activities with…and the girlfriends and wives of my male friends.  I felt more at ease…more myself with them.

I accepted, many years ago, that I wasn’t going to be able to be the authentic me.  Especially following my divorce when things became so incredibly ugly as my questions about my gender identity were threatened to be exposed…putting my relationships with my family, friends and my job security at risk.  I didn’t like accepting that fact.  I hated it, actually.  It fed my depression and was slowly destroying me.

And yet, any night I could see even just one single star, I would still whisper Star Light, Star Bright to myself.

Knowing that I spent eight straight days showing the world the most authentic me anyone has ever seen was amazing.  Sometimes, it still feels like a dream to me.  During those eight days, I literally pinched myself at times to make sure it wasn’t a dream.  This was especially true when people told me they never would have known I was transitioning based on my appearance.  There was also one friend who I sent a copy of that selfie that day…and she actually told me she was wondering who my friend was…because based on our discussions, she almost couldn’t believe it was me (and she meant that in the most positive way…nothing bad at all).

Over the past two weeks since I stepped out into the real world as the real me, I have had several people describe me as being the butterfly who just broke out of her cocoon to spread her wings.  I guess you could say there is a lot of truth to that statement.  Being back a t work leaves me feeling like someone is trying to stuff me back into that cocoon…but I can’t argue with where they are coming from either.  Having been told that statement several times, as soon as I saw this butterfly tattoo by Enemy Style…I knew, deep in my heart, that it was perfect for me. ♥

Despite having finally achieved something I never thought possible and being able to show the world the most authentic me possible, I find myself still looking to the stars and saying Star Light, Star Bright.  I still have so many things I wish for.  Love, safety, acceptance, peace and strength…not just for me but for every person who has supported me, every person who knows they have to walk this path I am walking and for those that love them.

My wish is my simple whispers will help us all to see the soul of a person above all else…like so many of you have done with me. ♥

See it on Flickr.

What I’m Wearing
Enemy Style – Shaila Tattoo [@ The Liaison Collaborative]
Stealthic – Ascension

Body – Maitreya – Lara
Head – LeLutka – Korina
Shape – Custom
Skin – Glam Affair – Renee 08

Jibe Poses – Chillin [@ Pose Fair]

8f8 – Paint me Summer – Stargazer RARE

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