I’m patting myself on the back a bit today. I actually asked for help with something in real life.
Now this may seem like a silly thing to be patting myself on the back over, but I truly do struggle with asking others for help. I know where I learned that too. Growing up in the home environment I was in, I was basically taught to believe that it was my job to be there for others…and that my needs didn’t matter to them, so I had best learn how to do things on my own.
It was my family that taught me this belief. Some of them have gotten better about being there when I need support but some still reinforce that belief that I had best be able to just do it on my own.
So what brings me to all of this. Well…I have some medical tests coming up this Friday. I have shared before that I have an auto-immune disorder. I was first diagnosed with it about five years ago and after about six months of struggling to get it managed well, I finally did. Other than a few very rare flare up, I kept it all under relatively good control until about six months ago.
That’s when the stress of work really started to wear on me. That, coupled with the stress of the holidays and my family’s response to me sent me into a pretty big tailspin medically and I have struggled to keep functioning well on a daily basis since then. The biggest struggles I have as a result of this condition are dehydration and fatigue. Some weeks are better than others but as a whole, my energy levels have been and remain pretty low at this point.
When I went to see my PCP for my annual physical a couple of months ago, he decided I needed to get some testing done to see if I need to have my treatment changed. As it turns out, that testing is this Friday. So how does that tie into my having trouble asking for help?
Even though I have known the test date for two months now, it took me until yesterday to start reaching out to see who could give me a ride home from my test.
I have to be sedated for the test…which may be the greatest blessing I could ask for considering how little sleep I have been getting lately. That also means that I cannot drive myself home following the procedure. But despite this fact…I sat there…almost afraid to ask anyone for help. I know it is completely illogical to think this, but the thought kept going through my head that no one was going to be able to drive me home, so why should I even both asking for help?
I finally kicked that thought to the curb yesterday and started reaching out to people for help. The first few people I asked weren’t able to help. They were all working and unable to get off work. Then I finally sucked it up and said to myself, “You know…I do have my aunt, uncle and their two kids who live about ten minutes from my house. Maybe I should ask them?” And, for the record, this would be the aunt and uncle who have accepted me and support me in my transition.
I finally sucked up my stupid pride and sent a text to my aunt asking if any of the four of them could drive me. Again, completely illogical but I expected to hear they were all busy. Within five minutes of me sending the message, my phone rang though. It was my uncle. First thing he said to me was, “What time do I need to pick you up? I have a follow up appointment with my doctor for something at 1:15…but so long as it doesn’t conflict with that, I’ve got you covered.”
Is it stupid that I got choked up by that? I mean, I had grown so used to hearing that people weren’t available to help me that I actually got chocked up when my uncle essentially said that so long as it wasn’t during this two hour window of his day, he would make sure I was taken care of.
It’s an unusual feeling for me with my family. I’m so used to my family’s actions not matching their words. I am so used to the, “We are always here for you,” until I actually need something and at that point…that support disappears and they are are anything but supportive. So this was a nice change. A very nice change.
Though I will say too, I need to quit letting my mind impose how so much of the rest of my family behaves on this aunt and uncle. They are the ones who sent me a save the date card for their daughter’s wedding a few months back with the sweet note to make sure I was there…no matter what they rest of the family thinks.
I’m learning to let go of those beliefs. Its not easy, but I’m working on it.
I’m working on it one new positive experience at a time. ♥
See it on Flickr.
Diversion – Urban Girl 1m
Potted Plants – White Daisies – 1
Potted Ponytail Palm [Ssize]
Farmhouse Coffee Table
Pothos Plant (trailing)