Reclusive

N504 Reclusive Blog

Its weird.  Its been almost almost week since I’ve posted anything.  That is so unlike me.  Yes, I have been a bit of a recluse lately.

It hasn’t been for a lack of effort though.  I have been trying to get some posts up.  I’ve struggled though.  Not that I have struggled with what to write.  I have struggled to capture an image that I felt comfortable and happy with.  I know all of us in the blogging world are pretty critical of ourselves and our work, always wanting to produce our best possible work…but this has been different.

The past few weeks have been pretty hard on me.  Along with my insane work schedule, I have also been pretty sick lately.  I know I have talked about not feeling well, but I haven’t really discussed how badly I have been feeling or the full impact being sick has had on me.  Its weird…I can sit here most days and write about my transition like its nothing major.  But to talk about some of life’s other struggles and I waffle…sitting here and questioning everything I type.

I’ve always prided myself on being authentic and transparent, on trying to make it real and discussing the good and the bad honestly.  Well, let’s give this a try today with something else.

I have mentioned before that I have an auto immune disorder but have never really gone into a lot of detail about it.  Well…my disorder attacks my GI system.  I was first diagnosed with it five years ago.  I won’t go into all the nasty personal details and symptoms but I will tell you that it was so bad then that over the course of a month and a half, I lost roughly 50 pounds, almost all muscle, and was almost admitted to the hospital twice for severe dehydration.  I was incredibly weak then and everyone I know tells me skin had taken on the ashen tone.  If you have ever witnessed a person decline when they develop Type I Diabetes…that’s pretty much how I was looking those days.

I was out of work on disability for roughly three months when I was diagnosed back in 2014.  Initial treatments weren’t working well and, of course, sleep is a big factor in managing any auto immune illness.  Because of the horrible spasming and stomach pains I was having, sleep was in short supply.  Finally, we were able to get everything under control after three months and trying multiple treatment options and I returned to work.

I managed to keep everything pretty well managed for a long time.  Even through my internship with school, I was still able to keep my symptoms controlled.  Sure, I would have occasional flare ups that would cause me to miss a day or two of work here and there, but I was honestly missing more time because of my migraines than my auto immune stuff.

All of that remained the same until this past fall when my flare ups started to increase a bit.  Nothing too major though.  I knew I needed to get things checked out but I also knew I was due for my next round of tests as the five year mark for my diagnosis came around.  I was able to manage most of my symptoms though more homeopathic remedies and the occasional trip to see my PCP.  I was doing ok.

Well, I was doing ok until about two months ago.

Things started getting much worse about two months ago as our staffing situation got worse at work.  With me covering so many shifts, sleep…the thing I need the most to manage this…was coming in short supply.  Just prior to my tip to Baltimore, I actually ended up in the emergency room with horrible stomach pains which the doctor and I both believe was because my disorder was flaring up.  Fortunately, I had vacation right around the corner and that helped get me rested and back on track…for a few weeks.

Since returning from vacation, its been a nightmare at work.  I have been rotating through all shifts.  I have had times where I have worked the day, evening and night shift all within 48 hours.  There has been no consistency to my life and it has impacted my sleep so much that it has become common for me to have nights where, no matter how hard I try, I cannot fall asleep until around 5am…with my alarm going off at 630am.  Its played absolute hell on my body.

Since returning from vacation, the dehydration has returned.  The horrible muscle cramping and dry skin has almost sent me to the hospital more than once.  My weight has been fluctuating a lot too.  I literally will go and lose 20 pounds within about a two week span and then fight like hell, eating horribly to try and put some of the weight back on.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I could afford to lose a little weight but this is not the kind of weight lose plan I want.

It all came to head last weekend when I endured the most horrendous four day stretch of work of my professional life.  I was so sick that when I was at work, two of those shifts alone over the night shift, every time I stood up I was becoming dizzy and almost passing out.  There were other symptoms as well but I won’t go into those today.  It was horrible.  I pushed though it…like an idiot…out of my sense of obligation to employer.  I still don’t think it hit me how sick I was until I saw my boss on Tuesday and the first thing she said to me was, “You don’t look good.  You skin has this sickly yellow tint to it.  Are you sure you’re ok?”

Thankfully, I knew I had my five year testing on Friday.  As the worries about what the test would find mounted, the fact that my fatigue and other symptoms were getting as bad as they were five years ago weighed down on me…I couldn’t, for the life me, get a picture done.  I tried and tried and tried…but I couldn’t capture anything I was happy with.  Hence why I have been so quiet for the past week.

I did have my five year testing the other day.  Getting ready for that was its own nightmare but I got through it.  I did have a long talk with my doctor the other day after the test and there were some things he found in the test that are a bit concerning to both of us.  Well…forget concerning.  I admit it.  I am down right scared right now.  We are waiting for the pathology reports to come back so we can know exactly what is going on, so I won’t go into more detail here until I know the facts.  I will just say that right now I am scared and worried.  These results cannot come back soon enough for me.

Having shared all that, I want to apologize for being so quiet lately.  It hasn’t been for a lack of wanting to share here…its been more of a struggle to get it done with the loss of mental focus.  I may struggle with this for a little while longer too as I both get my body healthy again and as I wait for these pathology reports.  Depending on what they find in the pathology testing, I may have some decisions to make too…which is whole different topic as all of these thoughts about those decisions swirl around in my head.

I’m working on getting better though.  I hope all of you will be patient with me…both if I struggle to get my posts out and also if I am a bit vague at times.  Things may be shared in bits and pieces for a bit and its not me trying to be elusive.  A big part of it is me feeling safe sharing things and also trying to figure out how to word it all.

To those of you who have reached out to check on me and have sent your words of love and support, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate them.  They have helped tremendously, especially over the past week, more than you can imagine.  And those of you who have taken the time to sit with me, to listen as I discuss what is going on, and to be present when I have needed to just cry and get it all out…I can’t thank you enough.

So I hope all of you can forgive me for being a bit reclusive lately.  Its not me being a bitch or trying to exclude anyone from my life.  Its just been me trying to keep myself healthy and absorb what all is going on with my health.

I love you all and am working to get better…and back to the me that feels strong and healthy.

See it on Flickr.


What I’m Wearing
Argrace – Chizuru II
Izzie’s – Wet Body & Face
Narcisse – Ridley Bikini [Limited Edition Colors @ Flourish]

Body
Body – Maitreya – Lara
Head – LeLutka – Korina
Shape – Custom
Skin – Glam Affair – Renee 08
Tattoo:  Letis Tattoo Strength & Dignity

Pose
Foxcity – Stay In Bed 6m

Location
Private Sim

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