I’m struggling right now. I don’t like admitting it, but I am. My dysphoria has been especially bad the past few days…the worst it has been in quite some time. In a lot of ways, it is like this freight train of emotions which I have no control over trying to just run me over. Or a series of tidal waves that keep overpowering me.
I think many people have a lot of different misconceptions not only of what gender dysphoria is but also when and how it impacts those of us who suffer from it. Its different for everyone. Remember…Gender Dysphoria and being transgender is different from person to person. Think of it as living o a spectrum. What I need is not the same as what someone else needs. How I react to my dysphoria is different than how another reacts to it. There is no cookie cutter way to define it and say, “This is how everyone feels.” Some days I wish it was that easy though.
I’ve cried a lot over the past four to five days. The triggers…they have been everything and they have been nothing. I’ve had almost no control over when the tears come nor how long they have lasted. It’s been an uncontrollable roller coaster and I literally have clue how to get my emotions back in check right now.
I said in a Facebook post yesterday, Gender Dysphoria is a bitch. There are days where it’s easy to keep it in check. The only problem is, after keeping it in check for sometime, the emotions come flooding at you like this massive tidal wave. That’s what’s happened to me over the past week. That tidal wave has hit…repeatedly. Because of it, I find myself avoiding a lot of things. I have avoided Facebook most days. I have avoided a lot of TV shows. I have avoided certain songs. I have been trying to avoid anything that would trigger the tears. Ironically, no matter what I have done to avoid those situations, there has still be something that has triggered me.
One friend asked me if there was anyone or anything in particular that was getting to me so much. I told her it was everything and nothing. I told her that the things that have been triggering me have been things that seem pretty innocuous to most people. It’s not like anyone has been malicious towards me. It’s not been a matter of anyone trying to upset me. It’s just been that these things I see…everywhere in life…bring up these thoughts, reminders and intense emotions about the fact I was not born in the right body, I have missed certain life experiences because I waited so long to transition, there are certain things I was never given the opportunity to experience because of how I was born…and the fact that, through no fault of my own, there are those who will always judge me as less worthy or less of a person for just trying to be me.
Logical, I know this is part of being a transitioning woman. I know there are aspects of this journey that I cannot control, mentally or physically. I know they are hurdles I must overcome. Yet, when these emotions hit hard…it can be hard to keep all of that in perspective as the emotions can be so debilitating on many levels.
As I have thought about the emotions I am going through right now, I have thought back to my past…to a time before I accepted myself and was seeking some sort of release. I would often turn to BDSM during those times and seek the physical pain that came from being at the mercy of a trusted dominate. The physical pain I would experience would become this cathartic release for my emotions. Sometimes, during and after a session, I would often be in tears from the pain. Granted, the pain would do its beautiful dance along that line of pleasure and pain. But it also became this safe place for me to let all those emotions come out through the physical response to pain, releasing my mind from its struggles and worries and helping me let the emotional pain go in a safe place, with someone there to support me and care for me through the tears until I was able to stand on my own two feet again.
That was one of the ways BDSM became a support for me in those days when my Gender Dysphoria was peaking every single day…even if I didn’t know that was the cause.
I wish I could find that cathartic release now, whether it were BDSM or something else. I could use it as I work through this emotional time. I have little doubt that it would, as it often did in the past, help me get these emotions out in a safe and controlled manner.
I believe the cathartic release would take the power from the tidal wave and allow me some sense of control again.
See it on Flickr.
Foxcity – Playroom 6