Laying Demons To Rest

N584 Untitled Blog

Do you believe in demons?  I know I sure do.

In saying that, I am not referring to supernatural demons….though I am not saying they do or don’t exist.  I don’t know if they do or not.  I am referring to the demons I, and everyone for that matter, carry within ourselves.

I carried so many demons from my past inside me for so long that it took a huge emotional toll on me.  It caused so many internal battles, self doubt, procrastination, damaged relationships and so many other consequences that I can’t even list them all.  My fears, self doubts, lack of trusting others and inability to be open and authentic with others was the biggest limiting factor in my life and my happiness.  The demon that ruined my ventures, more than anything else, was myself.

As a transitioning woman, conquering my demons, at least on some level, was paramount.  After I nearly started transitioning ten years ago, when my marriage fell apart, I realized I had to confront my past, anger, self loathing, pain, sense of loss and many other things.  As I sat back during that time and took stock of who I was and where I was in life, I often thought about all of the negative things which had happened to me in life.  I had to look at major events in their own light and patterns of things in a different aspect.

Sure…there were events I had no control over.  I couldn’t control the fact my father died when I was so young.  I couldn’t control my mother’s substance abuse.  I couldn’t control my brother’s death.  I couldn’t control being moved to a new city at what was probably the worst time to do that to a child following the death of a parent.  Not being able to control these things didn’t mean I didn’t have to confront the pain and damage they had caused to me personally, or the emotions that I harbored inside myself.

As I looked at other things in my life…patterns with intimate relationships, trouble maintaining other friendships, difficulty advancing beyond where I was at work, my struggles education, etc., I ended up really looking at things from a broader perspective and realized that there was one thing in common with all of these circumstances.  There was one thing that was present in each situation, relationship, heartache and struggle.

Me.  I had become my own worst demon and hadn’t even realized it.

This was the point where I truly sat down and started taking inventory of my life.  This is when I took that difficult and, at times, horrify walk through my past and my emotions.  This is when I started the difficult process of self-evaluation and, as they call it in 12 step recovery groups, doing a complete and fearless moral inventory of myself and my life.

Now, they say fearless…but that’s a crock of shit, if you want to know the truth.  It was absolutely horrifying to take such an honest look at myself.  It felt very much like walking through your worst nightmares as I had to face my fears, self loathing, anger, resentment, regret and sense of never feeling good enough or worthy enough of anything.  At every major turning point on that road, it was like my worst nightmare would come when I would sleep.  Nightmares about being attacked, killed, chased, abandoned and such.  I had so many sleepless nights.

But things did get better.  Not all at once…but slowly and surely they did.

I still struggle with many of those feelings and fears.  I still struggle to believe in myself and my worth in the world.  I still struggle with compliments.  I still struggle with believing I can achieve things.  But despite those fears and those self doubts, they don’t control me anywhere near as much as they used to.

I’m so grateful I decided to travel that road of self-evaluation and improvement.  I am so grateful for confronting those internal demons and placing most of them to rest.  They still try to rise from their graves on occasion.  Thankfully, with the help and support of amazing family, friends and…of course…my counselor…I am able to but them back in their graves and continue down the dark and unknown path…until I am able to find the brighter days.

Its nice to not be so afraid of the darkness anymore…

See it on Flickr.


What I’m Wearing
Cae – Morticia Necklace [@ Uber]
DOUX – Vega
Just Because – Morticia Gown [@ FaMESHed]

Body
Body – Maitreya – Lara
Head – LeLutka – Korina
Shape – Custom
Skin – Glam Affair – Cassy

Pose
-slouch- – Cloak 006 & Autumn Wind Wool Cloak [@ Pose Fair starting Oct 19th!]

Backdrop
K&S – the lost cemetery [@ Salem]

 

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