So my anxiety has started building as I approach another big step on this lovely journey of transition. This step though…it includes the potential for others using me as a means of creating a lot of unnecessary drama…
I know I have shared about some of the conflict going on within my mother’s side of the family regarding my transition. The family is split…a portion of them have accepted me. A portion of them don’t necessarily agree with me transitioning but are working to accept me. The other portion have outright rejected me. Its been hard, obviously, and I have placed some distance between some members of my mom’s family and I because the whole situation with me was causing some fighting between my aunts and uncles as everyone has been figuring out how to deal with me.
I also shared a few months back about a wedding for one of my cousins on that side of the family. When I shared about this wedding, I talked about how my aunt and uncle told me they wanted me there and they didn’t care what the rest of the family thought.
Well, that wedding is only a few weeks away now.
I had a long talk with my sister the other day. We were discussing whether I try to appease the family members who have rejected me and go as the old me to help prevent fighting and conflict at the wedding or to go as the real me and say to hell with them and their rejection of me. Logically, its easy to say that I should just go as the real me and start my dress shopping. And I mean, realistically, that’s how it should be in today’s world. You just go to these events as who you really are and with who you want to go with. How you identify and who you love should never even be a consideration for something like this.
Unfortunately, that isn’t how the world works.
So, as I have written about before, I have struggled emotionally with, “Should I go as the old me so as not to cause any conflict with the family or should I just go as the real me?” My sister and I talked about this for a while the other night. Of course, we are both worried about how those who have rejected me gossiping behind my back and trying to create drama at the wedding while claiming I am the one causing the drama by coming as me. We also discussed the concerns about my sister in law, niece and nephew being there and how that will play out.
After our talk though, I have come to the simple conclusion that there is only one thing I can do. Go as the real me.
In making this decision, I thought about two things. First, I can’t keep putting off showing people the real me because I am worried about drama being started. At some point, I am going to be at a big event as me and I can’t keep doing this back and forth with here is the old me, here is the new me. I mean, its one thing with work because I am still working to get two weeks of wardrobe together. That’s a different story. But I have to remember that these family members that want to gossip and cause drama are going to do that regardless of what I do.
The other thing I have been reminding myself about is this…my aunt and uncle have expressed their support for me. They invited me to the wedding after they learned of my transition. When I see them, they always ask me how I am doing, am I taking care of myself, How long until I am full time…and when I will be ready to come over to dinner with them and my other cousins who live here in the area. Those cousins here in this area, when my aunt and uncle asked them if they would be ok with me joining all of them for dinner all said that they wouldn’t come to dinner unless I was also invited. I have to remember that I have that support.
So yes…now…dress and shoes shopping. Well…two dresses and shoes since i have the rehearsal dinner too. Ok…another anxiety spike! LOL
I think one of the things that I really hope and pray for is a day when someone like myself won’t have to sit here and ask these questions about whether or not they should go to an event as their authentic selves and worry about these things. While so many who reject transitioning individuals claim that someone like myself uses these events to pull attention away from the people the event is about…the reality is we just want to blend into the background like everyone else. We don’t want to be see as different. We just want to be seen as the man or woman we are. Most of us hate the spotlight.
We are just looking to live as who we really are.
Hopefully that day will come. I mean, it will never be perfect. We still struggling with people seeing beyond racial identities but we have also come a long way there. And sadly, this world will never be perfect. But if we can just reach a point where people, like so many of you, could care less about the “trans” and only see the man or woman…
That will be a beautiful day for everyone…trans or cis…and the world as a whole. ♥
See it on Flickr.
Foxcity – What Gives 3m
Cane Accent Chair
hanging plants . cheese plant
hanging plants . double planter
pilea peper plant
Merlot Wine Glass
Photo Booth – Neighbourhood
Tuscany Winery Bottle Single