Today has been a bit of an emotional day. Good emotional but emotional none the less.
I had my six month follow up with my endocrinologist today…only I was about three months late getting in for my appointment. Work has been so insane that I have had to reschedule my appointment multiple times. I was finally able to make it today though and maybe, just maybe, it was meant for me to be there today.
As I started my day, I had pretty much resolved myself to things being an uphill battle today. I overslept a bit and then, thanks to my good ol ADHD, I was running late getting ready for my appointment. While I had planned to do my hair and make up, something almost all of us transitioning women do almost every time we leave the house, I didn’t have enough time for all of that. I took only enough time to blow dry my hair, put in some earrings, slip a necklace around my neck and dart out the door in an over sized sweatshirt and jeans. I certainly felt like I was doing anything BUT trying to show the world the woman I am when I left the house today.
So, these appointments are pretty routine at this point. My doctor asks about physical changes…am I noticing any or are things pretty much the same. They ask about my emotional health. I get questions about when I plan on presenting, any resources I need, what can they help me with and whether or not I am sexual active at this point. I’ll admit, I have never really understood the sexual active question. I can only assume it has to do with monitoring for safety. But I always laugh, look at my doctor and tell him, “Ummm…no. I’m too nervous about walking out my own door right now to even consider being physically intimate with anyone.” He always laughs back and simply says, very professionally, “Well…I hope you find someone soon who will appreciate you as the woman you are.” I adore my doctor and am so grateful I was referred to him…
After my check up, I was sent down to the lab for my blood work. They always draw labs to check my estrogen and testosterone at these appointments. This test will be a big one because I was taken off of the testosterone blocker last May and so its going to be important to see how my levels are with that medication gone. I am crossing my fingers that it is still low because I really don’t want to have to start back on that medication.
As I was sitting there waiting to be called back for labs, I was playing on my tablet. This woman and who I assume was her daughter sat down next to me. The woman was probably in her 70’s or 80’s and her daughter in her 40’s. The registration clerk was talking with the older woman and I at the same time. He was basically alternating sharing information with the older woman and then with me. Pretty routine for his job based on what I have seen for years at the clinic. As the conversations went on, you could tell the poor woman was starting to get confused.
As the confusion on her face grew, she started looking back between myself and the registration clerk. Back and forth, back and forth several times trying to figure out if and when she should respond to anything. Suddenly, she looks at the clerk with this worried look on her face and says, “Are you talking to me or this young lady sitting next to me?”
As I heard this kind woman say these words, I couldn’t even look up from my tablet. If I had, I would have been crying and I sure as hell wasn’t going to do that in front of random people in the middle of the waiting room. So as I managed to choke back the tears, all I could think about was the fact that I am so scared about how I appear every day. I mean, as I told a friend recently…no matter how others see me, it is still sooooooo incredibly hard to see the changes in my face when I look in the mirror. In order for me to notice the changes, I have to look at a picture from right when I started HRT…the last picture taken of the old me. So to have this random woman, someone I had never met before and will probably never speak with again, and an older woman from a more socially conservative generation, refer to me as a woman like that…well…it gives me hope that maybe I will be able to walk down the street and be seen simply as a woman here soon. And if I could have just reached over and hugged her without making some sort of scene…I would have.
As I said on Facebook when I shared the story…Thank you, ma’am. Whoever you are. You have no idea what a difference you made in my life today. ♥
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Foxcity – Higher 5
Maison de L’amitie