I know all of us, every single one of us out there in the world, has thoughts that they don’t always share with others. There are so many things so many of us keep to ourselves. Some days we handle them just fine. Other days…well…other days they just really weigh on us.
The past couple of days…I’ve had some of those thoughts really weighing on me. Today, it really did get the better of my mood.
Instead of keeping it all inside, I reached out to a friend and I said to them, “Sometimes I wonder if people realize how much I wish I was just normal.” This friend, god bless him, took the moment to remind me that I am normal and ask what made me abnormal. My response to him…the fact that I’m transgender.
What followed was a really good discussion between the two of us. I expected nothing less as he is wonderful about letting me get these thoughts out and helping me talk through things and what not. While he fully acknowledges that he can never understand some of the things I go through almost daily, he is wonderful about being able to find a way to connect emotionally to what I’m going through. That’s not something that a lot of people do in today’s world…find a way to connect emotionally even if they can’t understand aspects of what you’re going through. The fact that he not only can do this, but also always makes an effort to do this to better understand me…well…makes him one of those truly cherished friends.
So we had this talk today about what I meant when I said go through almost every day wishing I was normal. When I made that statement, I was talking about the fact I spend a portion of almost every day wishing I was “heteronormative,” as they say. I wish I had been born in the right body…or that I had been born with a brain to match the body I was born.
I wish those things had happened so that I could have those “normal” experiences in life. I think a lot of those experiences, a lot of people take for granted and/or have never really thought about. And in saying that, I’m not saying it to be mean or anything. They are just things most would never think about if there weren’t on this journey. I mean, if you think about it…here are some of the experiences I wish I could have had in a “normal” manner…
My teenage years. Instead of being a teenage girl learning and growing with her friends, having the experiences teenage girls do, I was struggling to put up this front to show the world someone that I wasn’t. The same was true in college.
Dating. I won’t ever be able to have a normal dating experience. I can never meet someone as a woman and not have to tell them I am transgender if I want to explore more with them. At some point, in any intimate relationship I have, the fact I am transgender will have to be disclosed.
Children. I always wanted a family and thus far, I have not had children. Sure, I can adopt…but I never had the chance to have a child the way I hoped. I never had the opportunity to carry a child in me for 9 months.
Leaving your home. Please know I am not discounting anyone’s fears of leaving their home in saying this. Whether it agoraphobia, social anxiety, PTSD…whatever. I am not discounting those who struggle with those things. For someone like me, it’s about just feeling like you can walk out your door, even to do something as simple as yard work, without some fear of being, best case scenario, stated at and whispered about or, worst case scenario, assaulted just for being yourself.
There’s obviously more…so much more…that I often think about when those thoughts creep in. As I said, most days I manage them really well. Most days, they aren’t an issue. Most days, I’m fine. But when the thoughts begin to weigh on me…they feel like I am carrying a hundred pounds on my back. And the weight of those thoughts, the weight of those lost experiences can really bring down my mood.
Today has been one of those days.
I know it’s hard for someone who isn’t on this journey to understand what someone like myself goes through. It’s hard to imagine what it’s like to not feel connected with your own body. It’s incredibly hard to imagine imagine the struggle to get through some days because you have never felt like you fit in…literally anywhere.
I’ve said before that as much as I wish people could understand this journey, I would never wish it on anyone. Yet, to understand it, you would have to walk this path. Knowing that can’t happen, I would suggest thinking about those experiences that are normal for someone who is congruent in their body…and how you might feel if they were all suddenly stripped away from you and you knew you could never have those “normal” experiences.
I don’t know. Maybe I said too much. Maybe this will make a lot of sense. Maybe it won’t. But maybe, just maybe, it can give an idea of the struggles and thoughts someone like myself goes through daily.
See it on Flickr.
NO LIMITS // flock of flying doves. [egg-yellow] 4Li
NO LIMITS // flock of flying doves. [tea-green] 4Li
cabin in the woods v1.1
Cliff Hill – green A
Cliff Hill – green B
garden swing w foilage (light)