We all have people in our lives…those still with us and those whom we’ve lost…who help bring us peace and comfort when times become hard.
As excited as I am for September to get here and for me to FINALLY live me life as me, all day every day, I will admit. I am scared. I’m scared to death. I was talking with my sister earlier this week and she was asking me if I was ready for it and the challenges it will bring. All I could say to her was that I am ready as I’m going to be.
I am truly excited, more excited than I can express in words to finally be reaching this point in my life. Up until a few years ago, I never imagined this day would ever come. I never imagined a world that would accept someone like me. Growing up where I did, it was impossible to dream of such things. Living the life I did for so many years, it felt like the dream of being me was getting just further and further away. For so many years, it felt like a true impossibility.
Now…it’s about two months away. To say I am about to claw at my skin and rip it off would be an understatement. I’m so ready to shed this old life in its entirety that I can’t even express it in words. After all these years of waiting, to be so close and yet still have to wait is painful just as you sit there and think, “I don’t know how much longer I can be patient…”
But the fear is there too. While I have told those closest to me about my transition, there are so many who know me through my volunteer work and alumni networks who have no clue. While many in my RL have accepted me, they haven’t had to interact with me as the real me. While some at work suspect something is up with me, many still haven’t grasped it all and, like so many others in my life, haven’t had to interact with me as the woman I am.
As I have worked to reach this moment over the past three to four years, I have surrounded myself by people who support and empower me on this journey. I’ve had this protective bubble of people around me. But come September, they won’t always be there. Not physically anyway as I walk down the street or through the hospital. They won’t be in the car with me as I drive through the rural and conservative parts of the state to go home and see family.
But…I also hold all of you who have and continue to support me so close. As I was talking with someone who recently came into my life, I was reminded of not just of those currently in my life supporting me. I was also reminded of those from my past who are always with me. I was reminded that wore will come into my life…people I never expected. And I was also reminded that some will see me in ways I have never been able to see myself. I know that as I take those first few bold steps out of my protected home…it is going to be the thoughts and prayers from each of you that will help keep my feet under me those first few days.
To that new person…thank you for the reminders…and the lessons you have taught me. I don’t know if you have any idea of how grateful I am. I’ve already learned so much from you. I look forward to learning more from you.
And to all of you, thank you for helping me keep my feet under me. You mean the world to me. ♥
See it on Flickr.
Diversion – Ponder 6