Today has been a day of realizations for me. Multiple realizations. Some have been good. Some have been bad. All of them important.
So what have a realized today? Well…
- For whatever success I have had with blogging, I still have sooooooo much to learn about photography and PhotoShop;
- Sometimes I need to slow the fuck down with what I’m doing if I want to get the best results;
- Its easy to get caught in a pattern and not look for areas to grow;
- I have some really REALLY amazing friends;
- Depression really does have a way of clouding our view of the world.
So while all of those realizations are important, numbers four and five are the truly important ones to focus on right now.
Let’s start with the friends. I got to spend some time talking to a few different friends over the past couple of days. The talks were all very much needed and I’m so grateful these discussions occurred. I love connecting with my friends on all levels…humor, life, support…all of it. There is something important that can be taken from even the most innocuous conversations. And sometimes, in the midst of those conversations, a friend will say something that really just hits you like a ton of bricks. While I have struggled with my depression lately, these conversations have been so critical to helping keep me afloat. I don’t know if those of you who have been there for me know how much that means to me and what you all have done for me.
So with the depression, while things are better…some days are still a struggle. Logically I know that someone who hasn’t been through a true depressive spell can’t understand the impact it can have on your life or how it can cloud your view of everything. Over the years, I have heard so many people say all the cliche phrases. Phrases like, “Get over it,” “Just fake it till you make it,” Just forget about those things and you will be fine,” etc., etc., etc. I have heard them all.
Unfortunately, when there is a true depressive disorder going on, it isn’t that easy. Granted, we have to figure out how to address the issues triggering depression in order to beat it. Sometimes, there is a biological factor that requires medication. Sometimes it is just a culmination of things triggering the feelings and a sense of loss of control. Depression, like any mental illness, is a complex and evil beast. It’s not as easy as “just getting over it.”
When I first wrote about being depressed a few weeks ago, I talked about the realization that I WAS depressed again. What I didn’t share at that time was the state of affairs in my home. On that morning when it all hit me, I realized I was depressed because I looked around and took in the condition of my home. Now, keep in mind I take pride in keeping a clean home. I’m not a neat freak but I do want things clean and in their place. Well, that morning I looked around and saw nothing but a disaster. You couldn’t see my dining room table for all the things I had piled on top of it. Forget about dust bunnies. I had so much dog hair on the floors that it was disgusting. I needed to dust. I needed to vacuum. I needed to get organized. So many things were going on and I instantly felt overwhelmed just with the thought of getting back on track.
Over the past few weeks since this realization hit me, I had been working slowly to get my house in order. I had some successes. I had some failures. Things were getting better…not quickly, but slowly the house was getting better.
Then, over the past two days, I had two discussions with two friends. Both were talking about cleaning their homes so they could begin 2019 with a clean home to come home to. Listening to them gave me some of that motivation I needed to do more than a quick dusting and quick sweeping of the floor. Now, I still have a lot to do but I got 2 rooms really clean today and I have worked on several other rooms over the past couple of weeks. The scary thing is, and this goes back to a point I stated earlier…I had no clue how dirty my house had because until I started the heavy cleaning today. I just could not see it because of where my mind was.
Well, let me tell ya…I SAW IT TODAY!!!
Why do I bring this up? Why do I share something I am embarrassed to let people know about? I share it because what I realized today just goes to show how much mental illness clouds our ability to accurately process what is happening in the world around us. I literally thought my home was clean enough! Not by a long shot! I literally couldn’t see it because of where my mind has been, and in some ways continues to be. I am not saying to excuse someone who is depressed from doing what they need to do. I am saying that it isn’t always as easy to work through as people think…especially when there are multiple mitigating factors that go beyond one or two situations.
As I close what has turned into a REALLY wordy post, I want to say thank you to those two friends for those talks and helping me to see what was really going on within my own home…even though you didn’t know you were doing that for me. I am incredibly grateful for both of you taking the time to talk with me about things that had nothing to do with my depression or the state of my home…but yet still being such amazing people that you helped get me more motivated just by being there. Thank you. ♥
See it on Flickr.
What I’m Wearing
Blueberry – Benny Side Rolled Tops
Cae – Trinket Necklace (short)
elise – Erika Maitreya Bento Rings
Nutmeg & Entwined – Cameron
Tetra – Air Sneakers
Vinyl – Fallout Jeans w/Panties [@ Uber]
Custom Pose from Image Essentials