I’ve written about this before…probably multiple times. For those who are familiar with this topic and/or don’t want to read about it again, no harm, no foul if you want to skip over this post. For those of you who may be transitioning or are struggling with coming out in any way…this may make a whole lot of sense to you.
I’m going to start of by saying I know I am incredibly fortunate. I know there are a lot of things going well for me and for that, I am incredibly grateful. My blogging has given me an outlet to get all of these thoughts, worries and frustrations out of my head. I’ve been incredibly blessed to have the support I have…both with my friendships and within the blogging community. The fact that so many of you actually want to read my ramblings still comes as a shock to me but I am so grateful for it. In those ways…I am so thankful as those things often help to sustain me when I’m struggling.
That doesn’t mean that there aren’t frustrations though.
One of the things that can be so frustrating with transition is those little things that can trigger the Gender Dysphoria. I know some of my friends thought that once I reached certain milestones, everything would be ok so far as that. Some thought the HRT would resolve all that. Others thought that once I started presenting part time that those feelings would go away.
For some people…that may be the case. For me, not so much.
I have learned a lot of my triggers. While knowing them doesn’t so much stop the emotions, it does allow me to better prep myself and/or do better self care through those spells. Sometimes…it’s still hard as hell. And then, sometimes, you get really blindsided by it all. Today was a good example of being blindsided.
Today was my first day back at work following a week off. I was obviously a bit bummed to be going back to work. I mean, who wants to end a paid vacation and go back to the office? What I wasn’t expecting was this massive wave of dysphoria to overwhelm me as I left the house this morning. And the trigger…it was incredibly simple. As I was leaving for work and watching the leaves fall as I walked to me can, I saw my neighbor getting in her car wearing the cutest outfit…knee high riding boots, a really cut knee length tartan skirt and a simple, yet very classy sweater. It was one of those perfect fall outfits…and the fact I’m not at a point to be wearing that sort of outfit yet landed on me like a ton of bricks.
The crazy thing is, there are 100 different simple yet innocuous things to most that cause someone struggling with their gender identity and or presentation to just feel the full weight of it all.
I was talking with a friend and fellow blogger a couples of weeks ago. She’s one of those people, not matter how much you talk or don’t talk, just gets a lot of things going on with me. In a lot of ways, we are at very similar points in our lives and whether she knows it or not, talking with her helps bring me a lot of peace…even when she calls me out on my bullshit. So yeah, we were talking after I had gotten news about what it would cost me to have the breast and facial surgeries I am hoping to have. I can’t afford them right now and getting the news of that wasn’t easy to hear.
I remember saying to her after getting the quote, “Can’t just one thing on this journey be easy and go right?”
I think that’s been one of the really difficult things for me and something that makes various setbacks and triggers harder for me at times. It took so long for the hormones to work properly. There have been so many delays in me presenting full time. The costs of transitioning being so overwhelming at times. I mean, when I started this whole process, I had this timeline that I prayed things would happen within and I planned everything with those timelines in mind…and almost every single one of them has been extended due to things outside of my control. Its just…hard…some days.
But you know what? I have choices. I can either bitch, moan and complain…or I can at least make sure that I maintain my dignity and work to push though. I think I will take option two.
Its not easy. Days like today are a prime example of it not being easy. Today was a day I just wanted to turn around, go back into my home and crawl back under the covers. And it wasn’t because it was my first day back from vacation. It was because I just felt…off, out of place, disgusted with my body and not me at all.
But I did it. I got out of my home. I made it to work. I worked a full day. And I got a lot done today at the office. I held my head up…and I lived the day.
And now…its time to go home.
See it on Flickr.
Diversion – Wicked Innocence 4 [Mainstore Release]
cone boxwood topiary