So I am a fixer and care taker. I admit it. Its the nature of the way I was raised. Growing up in an alcoholic home, I was expected to fix things. I was expected to take care of others. I was expected to put my needs aside and make sure I was putting my efforts into caring for others while neglecting my own needs.
Sadly, its a trait that I carried over into my adult life and its taken A LOT of work to break those patterns.
I’m not going to say I’m perfect in avoiding those behaviors. I’m not. Lord knows that in the right situation, I can slip back into them so easily that its scary. But progress, any progress, is a good thing. And right now, I am seeing progress in how I am dealing with those situations.
I won’t go into all the details of an event where I am seeing my own progress in all of this. I will only say there is a situation at work right now where I can see how I am so much better than I used to be. Its the type of situation that would have normally left me spinning like a top AND spinning my wheels to try and help fix a situation that, honestly, I can only do so much to fix. Its hit this point where I have done everything that is within my control. I can’t do anymore and so now, I have to sit back and just watch what happens. Sadly, the fall out from it won’t be very pretty and myself and my team will be impacted by the fall out…but I can’t help someone who doesn’t want the help as they seem to be struggling themselves. I’ve offered to help but alas, there isn’t anything else I can do except my tasks while this person refuses to ask for help.
Its the same in our personal relationships. I mean, I look back at my marriage and a lot of my past intimate relationships and I see where I used to try to fix people who didn’t want to be fixed. They never thought they were the problem. They were never willing to admit their faults and seek help and support. I would spin my wheels trying to support and help people who didn’t want help and who couldn’t see their own self destructive patterns playing out right in front of them.
That’s not to say I didn’t have my own self destructive patterns. Lord knows I did and I have to be very careful not to let them manifest in my relationships. But as I said, I have done A LOT of work to improve in these areas. I continue to work on those behaviors and beliefs. Its not easy work but it is rewarding.
I think that’s something a lot of us need to think about in life though. We want to help those we love. We want to support them. We want to guide them to the help they need. Unfortunately, until they are willing to say, “I have this problem and I can’t get past it on my own, I need help,” there is nothing we can do to support them. The best example I can think of is the alcoholic who we try to help quit drinking…but they are’t willing to admit they have a problem so all of our efforts to help and support them are fruitless.
It doesn’t have to be a situation as extreme as substance abuse. It can be anything from co-dependent relationships, weight loss, smoking, chasing people who are emotionally unavailable…anything really. All that is required is that we are giving so much of our time to help someone else that we are sacrificing our own needs and health.
Ironically, as I am watching this situation unfold at work, all I can do is sit back and watch. Well, and prepare for what I’ll have to deal with when its said and done.
The good thing is…I know I’ll be ok in the end. Sure, there will be more headaches for me in the short term. But the short term pain for the long term gain is always better.
See it on Flickr.
What I’m Wearing
Blueberry – Dynamite Jacket with Pockets, Leggings & Scarf and Perf [Mainstore Release]
Glam Affair – Cassy 008
hive – Coffee to Go
LeLutka – Korina
Maitreya – Lara
Shape – Custom
Truth – Labyrinth
What Claire Is Wearing
DOUX – Natasha Hairstyle
EarthStones – Vintage Pearl Necklace
[FORMANAILS] – NAILS – MAITREYA – BENTO – STILETTO 1
Genus Project – BabyFace
Not Found – Lyana Skin Peach
Pink Fuel – Genus HD Lipstick – Dazzle Me
[theSkinnery] – Slim – Peach
Vinyl – Chestnut Puffer Coat [@ Uber]
Lara Floral Wreath