I’ll Go To A The Place That Soothes My Soul

 

N698 Lazy Days Blog

I’m still crossing my fingers for some down time here in the near future.  If I get it, I am headed to the beach.  I truly do need the break.  That’s my respite…my sanctuary.

One thing I have noticed about myself and my writing, for years, is that I’m really good at discussing facts of my life but I am not always the best about discussing my emotions.  It’s weird.  I don’t know if it’s a matter of what I dealt with growing up in the home I did, a learned response or what, but it’s how I’ve been for so much of my life.  I guess to put this in a better perspective, I will try to break it down to make a little more sense.

  • I have no problem telling people my father committed suicide but I rarely discuss the feeling of abandonment his death left me with in my life or how that has, I’m sure, impacted many of my personal relationships.
  • I can discuss facts of being transgender, but there are very, very few who I am willing to discuss the emotional toll transitioning has taken on me.
  • I have mentioned the fact I suffered from depression but I rarely will talk about the emotional aspects of it.
  • I can talk about the fact I was in a very unhealthy marriage, but I have only discussed with two or three people the true nightmare I lived through during my marriage and divorce.

These are just a few examples of times where I have been REALLY good about talking about facts but I have truly struggled to talk abut the emotions involved.  I could probably come up into 100 different reasons why I am this way but, honestly…at this point that isn’t going to fix anything in the here and now.

Why am I sharing this?  Lord knows I always worry about over sharing, believe it or not.  The reason I put this out there is that the last few months have been incredibly rough for me.  They have been much harder than I have let most people know.  I’ve pushed a lot away, tried to tuck in it a box, worked to remain pragmatic and forward focused, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah.  That obviously didn’t work out very well for me, so I find myself where I am now, in a place where I am just starting to recover from things, thanks to the support of some amazing friends.

To sum it up as best I can, I had an event occur that triggered my PTSD symptoms.  The event that triggered everything doesn’t matter beyond the fact that I learned I have this trigger which I need to address…plain and simple.  In the end though, this one event started me on a downward spiral emotionally.  I had written previously about needing to confront some things and figure out what I was going to do, how I was going to move forward, etc.  This is what I was referring to.  I was also dealing with all of this as COVID was reaching it’s peak.

I won’t lie.  It was a horrible few months there.  With the combination of COVID, work responsibilities and the effects of this resurgence of symptoms, I was a mess.  I had become even more reclusive than I already am in RL.  I mean, I don’t go out much as it is.  But I wasn’t returning phone calls or personal emails.  All I was doing was going to work and then coming home.  I was doing nothing when I was in world.  I would pretty much stand on my platform and pan the camera around or go to one or two places on the grid where I felt safe and would just hide.  I didn’t respond to a lot of messages.  I wasn’t being active in any way.

Now, when I say I was having PTSD symptoms, I am not referring to just strong emotions…getting upset…or things like that.  I am talking about having nightmares.  I am talking about being unable to eat.  While I didn’t have full blown flashbacks, per say, I was having these intense dreams and vivid intrusive memories about a series of events in my past that shaped the better part of 20 plus years of my life.  I was hyper-vigilante and afraid to leave my home…afraid to communicate with others…afraid to do anything that resembled living.  So I did the other things I knew how to do.  I buried myself in my work.  I focused on the COVID crisis.  I tried to compartmentalize everything.  I basically tried to ignore what was going on in my head.

Obviously, that didn’t work.  Things turned into this nasty tailspin for me.  I was crying all the time.  There were days I would close my office door six or seven times and just cry uncontrollably.  As I said before, I wasn’t eating.  I was barely sleeping both because once the nightmares started, I was afraid to sleep.  And then, when I was so exhausted that I had to sleep…the nightmares would just flood my brain.  I was so sleep deprived that

It took me well over a month of these symptoms before I finally reached out to a friend to talk.  I only spoke with a couple of people about what was going on.  I was afraid to mention it to any others.  I was a wreck as I shared with them what was going on.  I struggled with opening up about it all because I was afraid of the tidal wave of emotions that would come with verbalizing what was going on.  And, for a girl who is used to having her fears and worries minimized, I was also afraid of that happening.  Thankfully, the friends I opened up to didn’t trivialize anything with me.  They listened.  They empathized with me.  They let me talk through my fears and worries.  They validated what I was going through.  They never once trivialized anything I was going through.

I will admit that during that time, I almost quit blogging.  I was very close to just walking away from it all.  I also almost quit Second Life.  I was at a point where I just couldn’t handle it.  And SL, the one place that had been my sanctuary for so many years, had suddenly become this place where I could barely function.  I mean, I was barely functioning in life, period…but this was something different.  In all honesty, I don’t even know how to put it all into words but, as I said, I was in such a state that I almost walked away.

Thankfully, with the love and support of friends and some family, I didn’t quit blogging.  I didn’t walk away from SL.  I didn’t, for lack of better terms, quit.

I still have a lot I need to sort through with those experiences from my past that came back to me so vividly because one trigger I didn’t even know existed.  I never expected that and I thought I had dealt with those issues.  I guess I hadn’t though.  I’ve been working with my counselor, as much as I can with everything else going on.  It’s going to take some work…but I’m going to do my best to confront this and move forward.

I’ll get there…one day at a time.  Until then though, I am going to take the first opportunity I can to escape to the beach.  Thankfully, the beaches should be far less crowded this year…so maybe I can get a little more peace than I normally would during the summer.

Lord knows I need the break.

See it on Flickr.


What I’m Wearing
Cae – Mantra Stength Bracelet & Trinket Necklace Long
Narcisse – Mimi Bikini Bottom & Top [@ FaMESHed]
NOIR – Amelia Bracelet
Redgrave – Maddison Sunglasses
Tableau Vivant – Editorial Hair Ponytail Side [@ The Arcade]

Body
Body – Maitreya – Lara
Head – LeLutka – Nova Evolution Series
Shape – Custom
Skin – Glam Affair – Reese Evolution Skin 008 & Reese Freckles (A)
Tattoo – Letis Tattoo – Strength and Dignity 100%

Pose
Diversion – Affection 5m

Decor
ARIA & The Loft
Arlette decorative picnic basket

Fancy Decor
Bradley Magazine

Junk Food
Heinie Beer

.peaches.
Beachin’ Bag Clutter – Dotted
Summer Lovin’ – Towel – Perfect

Location
Burrow Coffee & Whiskey Company

 

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