“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”
– Arnold Bennett
I’ve thought a lot about this concept lately…this idea that even the most positive change brings about some of the greatest challenges. I always knew it. I mean, when I got married…it was supposed to be the joyous celebration and yet the stress and anxiety of being married was horrendous. And let’s not forget when I got divorced. That was one of the best things in my life but yet it was hard, uncomfortable and created a whole new set of challenges for me. The same was true with finishing college. All of these wonderful things created so much stress.
Just think about having a child. While I don’t have children of my own, all of my friends and family wo are parents talk about the changes to their lives, the stressors, etc. If the happiest moments come with challenges, uncomfortable changes and the loss of things we had grown accustomed to.
I was talking with a friend of mine over the past week about the changes that have come with me finally living my truth. My friend, who is cis, reminded me of something I had forgotten in all the craziness of living as the real me. When she said this, it hit me like a ton of bricks and, along with everything else that had been weighing on me. For as happy as a moment as all of this is for me, there is one emotion that has been eating away at me and I am so thankful she pointed it out.
That emotion is grief.
I don’t really want to go into all of the details right now about what the grief is doing to me of the aspects of my transition that stir this emotions so deeply. That part isn’t as important in the moment as recognizing and coping with the grief that comes on this journey. I have written about the grief before and there are aspects of this change that have stirred grief before. But now, now with me being me every minute of every day…there is a level of grief I wasn’t expecting. There is more grief than I anticipated. And there are parts of my life where I am experiencing grief that I never expected to feel it.
I’m going to go ahead and stop with that for today. I’m at the office right now and the last thing I need to do is start crying again, like I have for the better part of the last two to three weeks. I will be writing more about this in the coming weeks because along with Western society being horrible about managing grief in general, I think it’s also important to kind of put this topic of grief through transitioning out there.
It’s much more complicated than even I realized.
See it on Flickr.